The Great Denim Conspiracy

It finally happened. My favorite pair of jeans gave out. Bound to happen, but sad nonetheless. I'd searched high and low for these pants. You ladies know how it is. Finding the right fitting jean is like finding the lost city of Atlantis. To be blunt, I have a size double-digit arse, and a size single-digit waist. I'm also tall, and it's all in the leg. Anything I buy pretty much sits on my hips rather than fitting my waist, and it must have the letter "L" after it (for LONG, fyi). To top if off, I'm not a tryer-oner. I'd rather just buy a size and return it if it doesn't work.

Which it never does. Today, I went on the hunt. I polled some friends--I mean, there IS a fashion program in the school where I work--so I asked around. Where might a woman with my...curves...find the right pair of jeans? I narrowed it down to two possibilities: Gap or Limited. The Gap has a jean actually called 'Curvy'. To be sure, however, I tried every style in The Gap. And none of them worked (not even the seemingly pre-destined Curvy). After a deep breath and a sniffle, I headed to The Limited. The uber-helpful androgynous salesman pointed me at their two styles. The 'Cassidy' is tailored for a woman, while the 'Dina' appears to be made for a stick figure.

I tried them both on, which was the last thing I wanted to do after my lightning-round in The Gap. Glory of glories. The Cassidy fit. And fit right. Everywhere. The heavens opened and doves flapped through the fitting room. I heard a voice say, "These are my jeans, in which I am well pleased. Wear ye them." And it was good.

Then, the conspiracy hit. It's subtle, but dangerous, so be warned. All of these stores are in league together. They make you try on ungodly amounts of denim only to become exasperated when you can't find THE ONE right pair. Either you compromise, and spend money on a product that isn't quite right OR you scour the stores until you find The Ones. Of course, when you find them...you don't give a rat's ass how much they cost.

I'll still be wearing them in the nursing home.